Blog 17: No Means No End Abuse Now
have you ever said yes to someone when you really wanted to say no? If you said yes read below!
My name is Renee Kendall and I am a survivor of mental emotional and sexual abuse. I always made a promise to myself that if a man ever tried to hit me it would only take one time for me to put my foot down and say I would never have that around me. I got into an argument with my enabler back in 2010 and almost caused our divorce during the argument my enabler told me that his previous ex got in his face and he ended up slapping her in the face because she got in his business. So I was warned if I pushed my enabler's buttons I'd get hit. (even though my enabler never physically hit me or slapped me he did try to put his hands on me inappropriately to the point where I went to the hospital several times because of his sexual appetite. It's more disturbing when he was trying to put his hand inside of me and I couldn't tell him stop because he wouldn't listen because my voice and opinion didn't matter )I never had a back up plan for mental emotional or sexual abuse because I never thought in 1 million years that I would ever have to think of that but unfortunately it happened to me. You never want to be a statistic but there it is plain to see I’m A Survivor of abuse and here’s my story.
(I feel my abuser wanted to hurt me mentally emotionally and sexually because all the scars in damages were internal and I also feel that if he ever physically assaulted me he wouldn't be able to handle the results because it would be obvious that came from him and he couldn't handle that part of it of being in trouble)
My abuser is also a manipulator as well he can make you buy a bag of shit and convince you to buy it just because he put the effort to give it to you. he'll manipulate you into doing whatever he wants to do for his satisfaction and disregards any of your wishes and wants.
In May 2005 I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. In other words I’m allergic to stress. Any type of stress will trigger my multiple sclerosis and cause me to have a lot of issues with my health including ending up in the hospital. Being abused for so many years caused me to have to use my multiple sclerosis for a clutch for everything because I have an enabler that is not willing to accept the fact that they are an abuser. And their words and actions Cause pain mentally emotionally and physically to me.
Abusers never like to be called abusers because they’re offended by it. So we’re going to refer to them as enabler’s instead. My enabler is still connected to me unfortunately. I dealt with my enabler since 2005. . It didn’t start off as an enabler it started off as a boyfriend A wonderful person or so I thought. I knew something was up when my father was against me being with this person from the beginning but I didn’t listen. Once I became a mother that’s when I noticed the change. The change was I had to focus on being a new character of being a mom and being able to handle it all. It was a difficult process to deal with being a mom at first but once you find your own routine you’ve got it down. I know it is the abuse started to happen once I was pregnant with my third child. In October 2009 I bought a bedroom set for myself and my enabler a giant king size bed log cabin style bedroom set. It was a nice bed for the moment but I found out it would create a knot in my stomach of what that bed put me through. Because of the size of the bed I couldn’t get in and out of the bed easily because I was pregnant. Therefore I needed assistance to get up with my children at night and my enabler but I was too exhausted to get in and out of bed. But in fact I was too “fat” to get out of bed because I was pregnant and I gained 50 pounds. Therefore it was difficult for me to get out of bed. My enabler took that as a sign that I would never get up with the kids at night so my enabler decided to move into the living room to be closer to the children because I was too “lazy” to get out of bed to be with the kids.
Once my third child was born I had a C-section therefore I couldn’t get into the bed because it was so high up and it was painful for me to get in and out of the bed. So I decided to be in the living room to be closer to my children and then my enabler went to the bedroom. About a month after my son was born I was asked by my enabler to come to bed. . I told my enabler that if I get in bed I can’t get out of bed so if any of the kids cry or need me you have to go get them you have to get me the stuff and I will take care of them but you have to bring them to me. My enabler agreed one time. I did what they asked me to do which was to go to bed but they didn’t do what I asked which was to bring my child to me if they cried and needed my attention in the middle of the night. I got told to go back to bed and I heard the words “ don’t worry about it I got it“ from my enabler my enabler was good at those words, when I heard that I took it as he is handling it on his own and to butt out.
Once my healing from my C-section was better and I was able to get in and out of the bed on my own with no issues my neighbor was still stuck in the living room. At night time I was very lonely because I had a giant king size bed to myself and my two cats and I couldn’t share with my enabler. To keep me company I would watch television at night mostly Nick at night from nickelodeon. I would watch reruns of my favorite shows because I knew they’d make me happy. I wish upon a star one night when I was watching full house. I wish to have a family that would understand me I wish for love to be in my life that was real I also wished for the perfect family. So I had to work hard to figure out how to get this done.
In 2015 I had a thought that came through my head which was how would I survive if I didn’t have my enabler around me? So I started to Declutter my life with everything including any attachments that I had with my enabler. From 2013 to 2016 my enabler had a very dirty obsession with a sexual appetite. His appetite scared the crap out of me because of what he wanted. He wanted me to do things that I didn’t want to do but I did anyways because my voice didn’t matter in my opinion didn’t matter. You’re not a good person when someone who supposed to love you put you in the hospital because of their sexual appetite. And when you tell them you have to go to the hospital because of what happen they laugh at you and say “Ha Ha not my problem” my enabler was good at saying that.
The video that I found on his phone was sexually explicit of a woman with a champagne bottle completely put in her behind. I was at a loss for words at the side of it and I was absolutely mortified that he watched that video and that it was saved on his phone and recently watched when I noticed it was on his phone. My psychic ability was telling me if I ever asked for sex again that would've been my future because my voice didn't matter to him. To this day puts a chill down my spine that I could've been a victim worse than ever before but I'm not a victim of that because it didn't happen because I prevented it because I said no! It felt good to refuse sex from a monster. My enabler was unaware that I saw the video I didn't want to make a scene because I was afraid of what would happen if he knew I saw that on his phone.
it makes you think who you can trust when they show their true colors.
In 2012 I developed a negative habit of being hooked on prescription pills my preference was Percocet 10. The recommendation doses two pills as needed the most I took was 14 pills in a day.
I knew I had a drug problem but I don’t know why I had a drug problem. My mother and I both knew I had a problem three years before my divorce in 2016.
I wish I knew what my problem was but in order to figure that out I had to speak to somebody about it.
In January 2016 after David Bowie died I started to notice a huge change in my life. I was having moments of not feeling satisfied about everything that was happening in my life. I wanted to change I needed it now before I overdosed on pills. I owned a Ouija board for about a year before I decided to really use it. When you’re not sure who to go to for answers sometimes you have to go to an alternative unOrthodox method. I decided to connect with David Bowie on a Ouija board it sounds crazy yes, but I was desperate.
I am mediately felt the connection with David Bowie and I felt heartbroken because he brought up my Percocet use because he saw myself abusing pills just like how he used to a long time ago when he was Ziggy Stardust. He helped me realize I was numbing myself because I had an enabler. Once you put the facts in front of me I opened up and realize I was being abused mentally emotionally and definitely sexually. David help me quickly find my spirituality and to learn how to read people and objects because I was going to need to learn about it very fast.
In March 2016 I got told by David that somebody around me was going to hurt me in a very negative way and I had to figure out who it was going to be. I had a hunch it was my enabler but I didn’t want to think that because I didn’t want to believe it was going to be that person… but unfortunately it was that person.
I didn’t have my phone available because my mother confiscated it during my spiritual awakening apparently when you’re spiritual you’re not allowed to make phone calls and have social media available… so I asked my neighbor if I can make a phone call to my father. I had no issue asking to borrow the phone. After the phone call I was going to sneak onto Facebook to put a post up saying I’m just taking a break on social media. When I click the icon on his phone for the Internet there it was plain to see my future… there was a sexually explicit video that was on my enabler‘s phone that scared me straight. The vibe I got immediately was that was the next level of his sexual appetite. David asked me what I wanted to do to prevent it I said I will never ask for sex ever again from anybody until I know I’m safe. Therefore I never asked to have my enabler touch me in any which way shape or form.
But when you cut off sex from someone who is an enabler you’ll find different methods to mess with your head. Mental and emotional abuse is what I dealt with. Being told I’m crazy when really I’m smart. Being accused of crazy things that make no sense and no significant evidence to support it either.
I got a divorce in 2016 to get away from my enabler. Because I didn’t have a voice I had to make a choice to make my enabler file for divorce because I couldn’t afford it at the time. I made up a story that I met David Bowie at a convention in Las Vegas that I went to one year prior and said that I cheated on him with David Bowie.
You would think my enabler would be very upset finding out that his wife cheated on him with a guy named David a celebrity mind you at that. I thought he would flip out but he didn’t I walked away and he didn’t freak out on me and complain that I cheated on him and make a scene. I was very concerned that this didn’t phase my enabler one bit that I cheated on him. Technically I didn’t cheat on him with David but I did feel safer with David Bowie spirit than I did my enabler and that has to say something somewhere. When you feel safer with a ghost versus a physical person there’s a problem there…
How I got my enabler to divorce me was simply asking for money $20 refund because I ordered pizza for my children because they were tired of noodles. The day I left the house was a new beginning but it was very scary because I did try to contemplate suicide at that point because I thought my life was over. I was hearing my life was over because my old life was ending and a new one was beginning it wasn’t a suicide per se it was more so out with the old in with the new. David Bowie help me through the process of divorce the process of spiritual awakening and being able to handle being a single parent. I am very grateful for David’s words of wisdom’s because I have created a new character for myself and I am very blessed that I found her and I would’ve never found her if I didn’t connect with David Bowie.
I owe my life to David Bowie because if he didn’t connect with me when I did I would be with him right now dead. I’m also very grateful for my doctor for stop prescribing me Percocet because that was going to kill me one day. David help me through so much in the past four years including being mentally and emotionally abuse still by my enabler. My voice didn’t matter when I was married and it didn’t matter when I was divorced either anything I say or do doesn’t matter in his opinion but it disturbs him. Because my voice didn’t matter I had to hire an attorney to be my voice and I was the best decision of my life.
My children have suffered because of this mental and emotional abuse and it caused them to act a little bit different and display characteristics of being abused. Such as retaining bowels, being startled very quickly, not liking any confrontation and also exploring new options as well can cause kids to act differently. I found out that my children got an attorney and I broke down and cried hard because now they have a voice and an opinion. My kids want to be proud of their mother and display that they love me in front of their father but they get in trouble if they try to defend their mother. If you want to know what type of character I developed for myself to improve my life if you go to Netflix and watch “Fuller House” and you watch the entire series front to back and you watch DJ Fuller that is exactly who my character is as a person and as a mom. She’s a single mom of three kids and trying to manage her life with the help of family and friends and that’s exactly what I am trying to do. I decided to start watching the show religiously until I was able to watch it and handle anything that life is thrown at me while being a single mom and to see if she can do it so can I.
I had a dream not too long ago of what it would be like not to have my enabler around and the first thing I said was I would be able to breathe and not worry about being attacked in any direction at all. And to be able to enjoy my life and not worry anymore. It’s a dream that I hope can be a reality even if my enabler doesn’t go away , I wish and hope that the abuse could at least go away that would make me a happy person. I wish everyone never had to deal with abuse in any different direction but unfortunately it happens. In my line of work I help people that have been abused and get them on the right path to know that they can heal and know that I’ve experienced it to that they can understand that I understand what they’re going through.
If you’ve ever been abused and you need assistance please contact me and book a session and let me help you build your new character be a survivor and conquer the world!
Please purchase my book there is a light at the end of the tunnel hard work pays off when you hire an attorney. By spring time my kids will be back with me living with me I earn the right to be with them. When you purchase the book it will help create a nest egg for myself and my children for when they live with me.
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My book if you give a mom a chance walks you through the stages of 2016 the beginning process of what it was like to have a spiritual awakening, being sober for the first time, being on my own for the first time, The divorce process and being homeless for nine months. I used my struggles to help the world with theirs.
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